


Step Back

by LauraAnneB



Series: The Jenny and The Ox AU [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 10:20:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20307877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraAnneB/pseuds/LauraAnneB
Summary: Inquisitor Adder Adaar faces a difficult decision after Sera’s violent reaction to being trapped in the Fade. A Jenny and the Ox AU. For the 2019 DA Prompt Exchange Fill-A-Thon.





	Step Back

Adder had been riding for days—Adamant Fortress wasn’t exactly close to Skyhold. Now that she was finally home, she was looking forward to relaxing in a long, hot bath. _I miss my 20s_, she thought as she rubbed her lower back. At 35, sometimes she felt like her body was falling apart.

As Adder reached the courtyard, Cassandra noticed her and walked toward her purposefully. Of course, “purposefully” was how Cassandra did everything, but this was more so than usual.

“Inquisitor,” she greeted.

“Cassandra.”

“I’m concerned about Sera. Have you noticed the circles under her eyes?”

Adder had. In fact, she’d noticed many things about Sera. How fiercely she held Adder when she joined her in her tent the second night of their journey to Skyhold from Adamant. How she grew more and more tired the rest of their journey, sometimes falling asleep in her saddle.

With a sigh, Adder glanced worriedly at the window of Sera’s room in the Herald’s Rest. Sera had disappeared up there without a word. “I have. I’ve been trying to give her space. You know how much she hates talking.”

“If shutting down and never speaking about what occurred at Adamant were helping her, I would let the matter lie. But she is clearly suffering. I tried to speak with her about Adamant the other day, and she rebuffed me. I doubt she would do the same to you, given your closeness.”

Did Cassandra know Adder and Sera were lovers? Adder had been trying to follow Sera’s lead—since Sera didn’t seem to particularly care who knew and who didn’t, Adder hadn’t said anything. They’d only been seeing each other for a few weeks, after all. Maybe Sera wanted to be cautious. With everything that was going on, Adder couldn’t blame her.

“All right, I’ll talk to her,” Adder said.

_I’ve tried distracting her and it hasn’t worked. Time to put on my big girl breeches and have a conversation._

Blackwall was walking toward her. “Lady Cassandra. Inquisitor.” To Adder, he said, “Might I have a word?”

“Sure, Blackwall. Another time, Cassandra.” Blackwall was another one who clearly had some issues with Adamant. He’d barely spoken to the Grey Wardens who were accompanying them back to Skyhold. What surprised Adder was that he’d approached her first. He seemed a guy who expressed his feelings through thousand-yard stares, pensive silences and bar brawls.

“Inquisitor, it’s about Sera—”

“You want me to talk to her, too?”

“Ah, so I’m not the first person to bring it up. Good to know. I wish I could offer some advice, but you have a better way with her than most.”

_It’s called sex. It’s not a big mystery._ “I’m thinking she’ll scream at me. Want to put some money down on ‘swearing and crying’? I could start a betting pool.”

Blackwall wasn’t in the mood for humour today. “As I said, I’m sure you’ll find a way to get through to her. Good luck.” He turned to leave.

“Blackwall…let’s talk soon, okay?”

He paused. “If you wish, Inquisitor.”

_Maybe I’ll sic Mother Giselle on him._ She had to be better at this comforting thing than Adder was. Adder’s usual coping methods were hard drinking, hard gambling and hard fucking. It had worked when she was captain of the Valo-Kas, as far as she knew. If anyone got burnt out, Adder was happy to send them off with some extra coin and a good reference. There were always more Tal Vashoth who needed to make ends meet under a captain who took honest jobs, paid on time, and only occasionally cheated at cards.

But now she had a wild, wonderful, diverse cast of friends, each with a novel’s worth of issues. _And a lover who’s probably going to scream at me because my stupid hand ripped a stupid hole in the Veil again. Ah well. She’s an adventure._

She stepped into the Herald’s Rest. The Chargers were welcoming Iron Bull back: Krem slapped him on the shoulder (well, arm, because Bull was huge), and Grim was handing him a foaming flagon of ale. Noticing Adder, Bull waved.

“Hey, boss.”

“Lemme guess: check in on Sera?”

Bull blinked in surprise. “Actually, yeah. You’re right.”

“My kith was contracted to escort a bard in Markham a few years back. I picked up a few things.”

Bull rolled his eye at her. “Yeah, sure.”

“One day, Bull, I’ll lie so well you won’t even know it.” She waved and left him to the Chargers.

Sera’s journal was resting on a barrel next to her door. Adder resisted the urge to glance through it. Taking a breath, she opened the door. Sera didn’t turn. She just kept staring out the window, holding something in her hand.

“Sera, about Adamant and the Fade—”

Sera whipped around, throwing something over Adder’s shoulder.

Adder’s skin prickled. From far away, she heard herself saying, “Nice swing. What was that for?”

She tried to listen to Sera’s response, but it was hard. The cold on her skin moved to her stomach and sat there heavily. Her mouth was bone dry.

Adder knew people who threw things. She’d depended on one, once, when she was a kid. Throwing always became hitting.

_But it’s Sera. She’s terrified! Of course she’s lashing out. And she didn’t hit me._

Adder glanced at the object Sera had thrown: a brass telescope. If it had hit, that would have left a bruise.

_But she aimed over my shoulder. She didn’t _mean to_, so it’s all okay._

Adder’s breath was a bit shaky when she finally let it out.

Sera looked so sad, talking about the nightmares in the Fade. Pity stirred. Adder wanted to scoop her up into her arms and hold her.

_Mom had her good days, too._

The urge to comfort her vanished like a blown out candle.

“…busted up group of Wardens,” Sera finished. “And they’re always weird.” She looked at Adder, expecting a response.

Sera was her lover. She deserved a chance to make things right. Everyone deserved a second chance.

Adder picked up the brass telescope behind her. Her hands weren’t shaking. _Look how tough I am now, Ma._ She tossed the telescope up in the air and caught it.

“Next time, I’ll make sure you’re holding a pillow when I bring up something traumatic.” She hated that she could only bring this up by joking.

Sera blinked at the telescope as if she’d only just remembered how it got there. “Well, fuck.” She winced. “Um, sorry, yeah?”

“Do you always throw things at your lovers when you get mad?” Adder asked, trying to find space for the telescope on a nearby shelf. There was so much clutter that she couldn’t set it down.

“Not always. Sometimes, it’s just screaming and scrapping and cursing ‘em out. Some-other-times, it’s them pitchin’ shite at me.”

Sera was hardly a well-adjusted member of normal society. Of course her relationships were volatile. Maker, Adder had walked into this relationship knowing Sera could kick a man to death. Why had Adder thought she would be safe from a little violence?

_She didn’t hurt me. And she said she was sorry! So it’s all okay. _

Adder was about to speak when one of Sera’s words caught her attention. She paused, double-checked her memory, then asked, “Scrapping?”

“Oh, you know. Kiss-kiss, slap-slap. That sorta shite that happens if we got boozed up and pissed off enough.” Sera grimaced. “Happy enough to see the back of that.”

Adder nudged a plant aside to set the telescope down.

When she turned back, Sera was nodding, as if confirming something to herself. “You’re mad at me.”

“I’m not.”

“You bloody are! You’re mad at me for shite I haven’t even done to you!”

In reply, Adder raised an eyebrow and gestured to the telescope.

“That?” Sera sputtered, her cheeks going pink. “I frigging said I was sorry, didn’t I? We were dragged into the Fade, Addie! It’s fucking terrifying!”

Adder exhaled heavily. “I’m scared too, Sera, but I’m not trying to hurt people I care about.”

“Right, so I’m not sodding perfect when I’m pissed off or pissing myself. Sorry I’m not you.” Sera swallowed, running her hands through her hair.

“Let’s see, step one is the apology. Step two is ‘I’ll never hurt you again.’ Go on. Say it.”

“All this talking and it’s not frigging at me! It’s at someone else in your head.”

Adder laughed. “Try harder, Sera! Or are we going to skip right to fucking? That’d be new. But a smart tactic, so I get it.”

Sera swallowed again, looking away. Tears were welling up in her eyes.

“Oh, stupid Adder.” Grinning, Adder shook her head. “I can’t believe I forgot about the crying.”

Sera glared up at her as the tears started to fall. “I don’t mean to! I just can’t—fuck.” She shook her head, wiping furiously at her cheeks. “You know I can’t use words to make this right. That’s not me. I don’t frigging know where my head’s at one minute to the next. But…Addie…” She sniffled. Snot started dribbling from her nose. “I’ll…I’ll try. I don’t want to hurt _you_, just baddies.”

She seemed sincere, at least. This wasn’t a big, over-the-top promise. Didn’t she deserve a second chance? 

Adder stared out the window, her mind working furiously.

_She’ll try…until the next time. And there’s always a next time. _

Her mother had broken her nose because she hadn’t made the bed quickly enough. Adder could still remember the taste of blood at the back of her throat. _But Sera’s not her. I can’t let that shit affect my life._

_Sera’s young._ _This is all she knows. She said she’d try to be better, and I can help her with that! She’s fun and hot and the sex is so fucking good…_

Adder tried to envision Sera throwing something again: what she’d say to Sera, what Sera would say back, what they’d do to change the story.

She felt exhausted.

_Sera’s not my job_, Adder realized. _Helping her control her emotions isn’t something_ I _need to do. I have so many other fucking jobs in this Inquisition…. Not this one._

Making the decision hurt, but either calmness or numbness followed.

Adder inhaled deeply. She couldn’t look at her ex-lover. “Sera, I can’t do this. This was supposed to be fun. Just a bit of fun.”

Sera sobbed quietly, like she was fighting not to. “I get it,” she muttered.

“Then…that’s that.”

“Suppose so.”

Adder turned and had her hand on the doorknob when Sera said, “Addie?”

She couldn’t help it—she looked over her shoulder.

Sera was sitting on the window seat, knees drawn up to her chest. She held Adder’s gaze for a moment then looked out the window. “Nothing.”

Adder left Sera’s room.

Everyone in the tavern below sounded so happy. And why wouldn’t they? The Inquisition had defeated Corypheus’s forces at Adamant Fortress. The Inquisitor had walked into the Fade and returned. The fabled Grey Wardens were allies of the Inquisition.

Adder tried to keep her expression normal as she walked down the stairs and over to Cabot, the barkeep. No need to give anyone a reason to worry. She ignored Bull, hoping he wouldn’t notice anything different about her. 

“A bottle of something to get me drunk fast,” she told Cabot. “Have it delivered to my chambers as discreetly as possible, please.” She couldn’t exactly get drunk in the same tavern her ex-lover lived in.

“Rough day, huh?” Cabot said.

“Maybe this is how I celebrate.” Adder had never claimed to have healthy coping habits. But drinking to forget only hurt her, not anyone else.

Maryden changed her tune from Empress of Fire. “_Sera was never an agreeable girl…._”

Adder’s stomach sank. To her horror, she sniffled in public. _No. No way am I going to cry over some brat. She’s not worth it. _

_Maker, what is it about me that I’m attracted to these people?_

She cleared her throat and leaned against the bar, trying to look bored. Thank the Maker Bull was preoccupied with his Chargers.

When Maryden was finished, Adder waved to catch her attention.

The minstrel set her lute down and walked over. “Yes, Inquisitor?”

“I’ll give you a raise if you never play that song again.”

She blinked in surprise. “Thank you, Inquisitor.” She glanced upward, at where Sera’s room was. “I apologize if my tune came at a bad time.”

Adder shrugged. “I just think it’s a little played out, that’s all.”

She left the tavern, ignoring any friend she passed on the way to her room. A messenger brought over a bottle of Golden Scythe not long after.

Adder started drinking.

“Because I’m the idiot,” she found herself explaining to her fireplace. “I’m the idiot that thinks they’re never going to hurt me, right? Why am I always the idiot?”

To the side of her desk, she grumbled, “I’ll just never fall in love again—not that it even was love! Just a piece of ass, that’s all.”

Out on the balcony, she screamed at the stars, chucking her empty bottle over the side.

She cried herself to sleep, until she woke up and vomited over the side of her bed.

“Bitch,” she grumbled, not sure if she was swearing at Sera or herself.

* * *

Adder bedded Maryden within the month. For a few weeks after Maryden, Bernadette of the kitchen staff kept her company on her days off. Varric’s old friend, Admiral Isabela, became a frequent and welcome visitor to the Inquisitor’s chambers. Adder scandalized Halamshiral by sneaking into a closet with one of Empress Celene’s handmaidens—she couldn’t remember which one.

Cassandra might sigh, but for someone who could have had a different woman in her bed every day of the week, Adder felt she was being particularly restrained. One thing she knew was that she absolutely wasn’t missing Sera.

Some time after the Temple of Mythal, Adder came down to the Undercroft to find Dagna looking awkward for the first time since Adder had known her.

“Hi, Inquisitor! Great day, huh?”

Since when did they have conversations about the weather? “Yeah?”

Dagna nodded a few times, then blurted out, “Sera and I are seeing each other.”

Adder’s stomach jolted. “Oh?” She was so small. If Sera wanted to hurt her….

“She also told me why you broke up,” Dagna said gently.

“The throwing things? The screaming?”

She dwarf nodded, her smile dropping. “Don’t worry, Inquisitor. I won’t let her pull any bronto dung with me.”

Adder wished she could believe Dagna. “You know you have friends here, whatever happens, right?”

“I know.” She gave a small smile. “Thanks.”

At least Dagna knew what she was getting into. Adder took some small comfort in that.

There didn’t seem to be much else to say. Adder made up some stupid excuse to leave and left as soon as she could.

_I wonder what Lace is up to these days?_ Scout Harding had been playing hard to get, but that made the chase more fun. 

Adder was certain she’d see her naked soon enough.

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was: "Their LI does/says something unforgivable and the Inquisitor is rightly hurt, furious, and not willing to forgive and forget quite so easily. What happened? What was said? And can they work through it or does the Inquisitor justifiably send them packing?"


End file.
